


Go On

by AllaireK



Series: If Only You Know [2]
Category: Winner (Band), iKON (Kpop)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-11
Updated: 2016-11-11
Packaged: 2018-08-30 09:32:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8527978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllaireK/pseuds/AllaireK
Summary: “I will love you forever, Hanbin, and you knew it.” Jiwon finally found his voice. “I will always love you. Amongst the beautiful days, I spent with you, I love you with everything I had, and I cannot take it all back. That fragile love is yours, that gigantic love will forever be yours. You will be there for every beat of my heart, and I am sure of one thing: you will forever have my love.”





	

 

"I think you need to just close the fucking chapter on him even if it was long enough to be a fucking novel itself.” Jinhwan states like he already remembers and practice it over and over again. “You’ve cried over him so many times before Hanbin, when are you going to put yourself first? When are, you going to realize, this is not what you deserve?"

Hanbin thinks to himself. He knows that waiting for him will hurt more. He knows that Jiwon doesn’t do anything wrong. There was never a thing between them, so no, he’s not fine by everyone angry at Jiwon leaving. He loves him a little too much for his heart to handle, a little too much to just let go. Hanbin never really wish to be with him in the end, when he fell in love with Jiwon, but there’s always hope, even there is just a little, right?

“When you were little would you have ever wished this for yourself, aren’t you?” Jinhwan continue like he can hear Hanbin think “Why are you putting yourself through this? You are so goddamn important and he is a fucking idiot who didn’t deserve to know you the way he did.”

Yeah, Hanbin knows that. That he is important, but no, Jiwon is not an idiot, Jiwon is Jiwon and Jiwon is home, where Hanbin can let go of everything bottled up since the day one. Jiwon is home, where Hanbin can give up control just for the night. Jiwon is his foundation, without him Hanbin doesn’t know where to go, without him Hanbin will be lost or left alone in a cold. He can’t just let him go. He won’t.

“Let him go, Hanbin. Just let him go,” Jinhwan looks into Hanbin’s eyes, he’s shinning is almost blinding “Let him go. There is nothing more you can do."

He nods. Accepting the fact that he needs to lie. Jinhwan smiles and pulls him into a hug.

Jiwon tell him once _‘Listen, smile, and agree, and do whatever you were going to do anyway’_

Yeah, as always.

-L.A., October 2019

 

“Hyung can I ask why?” Jiyong ask his CEO, Yang Hyunsuk.

“Jiwon need it earlier than we thought it would.” He hands Jiyong a piece of paper. “Here, you’ll understand.”

“How about Chanwoo and Mino?” Jiyong takes the note “Why should they come with him?”

He reads the notes.

_Ah._

“Why can’t we tell the other about it?” Jiyong face soften. He knew about Jiwon all along, he knew even before Jiwon joined YG. His bandmate, Youngbae and Seunghyun knows too. Mino and Chanwoo are his friends since a long time ago, so of course they know.

“This is not our secret to tell.” He sighs “I hope that he can come back quick. He’s too good, I can’t just give up on him.”

“I know,” Jiyong says, he looks at the paper again and sigh “I’ll tell Youngbae and Seunghyun hyung about it.”

“He’ll come back after you and Youngbae finishes your military service,” Jiyong looks at him confuse. “That’s what I hope.”

“That long hyung?”

“That’s almost the fastest he can.”

“I hope he’ll explain it himself that time and not just leave a bigger scar on everyone’s heart.”

“We all pray for the same thing.”

-Seoul, May 2018

 

“Hyung stop!” Jiwon and Mino tickles him so hard that he cannot breathe. “I’m going to be late.”

“Don’t go Chanwoo ya.” Jiwon says “I’m going to be lonely.”

“Mino hyung will be here.”

“Nope, I’m going.” Mino raises from bed and face Jiwon “We won’t be long. We’ll take you there like usual. 7 o’clock is it?”

“What am I supposed to do when you guys not here?” Jiwon whines.

“Read.” Mino points at a book shelf.

“Write.” Chanwoo throw a book at Jiwon.

“Or rap.” Mino adds

“Or cook.” Chanwoo says while taking his belonging to go to college. “You can do whatever you want hyung, this is Hollywood.”

“I don’t like it here.” Jiwon whines again, still lying on bed “I told you New York will be much better. Why can’t you guys hear me out?”

“We can move,” Mino suggest “We can always move around. You still have a lot of time until then right?”

“Hyung,” Chanwoo whines “I don’t think I can apply to any college in New York, be considerate a little.”

“Don’t worry Chanwoo ya,” Jiwon says raising his hands “You both will be free of me soon.”

“Don’t Jiwon.” Mino walks closer and hugs him.

“Don’t even think about it.” Chanwoo finishes and join a group hugs.

-L.A., May 2019

 

“Hello?” Jiwon just woke up with a phone call. He’s alone in the house, since Chanwoo have some class and Mino doing things he does. “Who is it?”

“Jiwon?” a female voice, a very familiar one. “Who is it that you think? Can you recognize my voice?” Jiwon doesn’t care, his whole body feels like burning he feels tired and worn out, who cares about who the fuck is calling him right now.

“I can’t think.” That’s all Jiwon says after a long pause.

“Oh God,” she sounds sorry and concern “Sorry, I didn’t think you just finished. This is Jenny, by the way. I’ll come by to your house this evening, okay?”

“Oh, Bom nonna?” Jiwon open his eyes and close it immediately because of a strong light “I’m sorry, I don’t recognize your voice, earlier.”

“I heard about you coming from Mino hyung.” Jiwon turn to side “I’ll be delighted, thanks nonna.”

“Jenny. Just call me Jenny.” She picks yet another snack and throw almost everything on to the trolley, “Do you want something Jiwon?”

“No nonna, I mean Jenny.” Jiwon answer.

“Okay then.” She stops walking, there’s someone else calling her. She raises her eyebrow when she sees the caller id “I’ll be there in 2 hours, Jiwon. See you.”

“See you Jen.” And she hangs up.

“Fancy hearing from you Jiyong.” She answers the phone call.

“Nonna,” Jiyong sound hesitates “Are you, around?”

“Around where?” She sounds disappointed, well don’t blame her, they used to be really close, closer than anything before Jiyong found out about a very big twist of his life. The last time he called her is almost three years ago, before Seunghyun leave for military service.

“L.A?”

“Yeah, Why?” Jenny flips her hair and continue walking around the store.

“You’ll visit Jiwon soon right?”

“Yeah, I was on the phone with him before you call.” Yeah Jiwon, everyone wants to know about him. Even Jiyong. “Why?”

“I can’t be long, you know why, but it’s about Hanbin.” Jiyong sounds hurry “I can’t call Mino or Chanwoo, so I call you.”

“What about Hanbin?” She started to worry. Jiwon is sick and that is enough. What about Hanbin now?

-L.A., October 2019

 

“Hyung shouldn’t we need to come together?” Hanbin says to Jinhwan on the phone.

“Yeah we should,” Jinhwan is looking at his room for the last time “I’ll be there in 15, just wait for me. The other must be already on their way if not arrive yet.”

“I know.” Hanbin sighs and look outside the window “I hope it’s not too late.”

“We all hope for the same thing Hanbin.”

-Seoul, October 2020

 

“What the hell is happened here?” Mino says a little bit too loud for every neighborhood to hear.

“Jiwon just feel a little loss.” Jenny come out from nowhere holding a broken chair. “He’s asleep right now, I’m going to help you clean up, don’t worry.”

She finished after seeing a confused and tired face Mino’s making.

“Great,” Mino sigh loudly “So where is he? Or she this time?”

“She’s gone.”

-L.A., December 2019

 

Hanbin is loss. He doesn’t know what to do. It hurts like hell and no one understand. People think it’s because of Jiwon leaving, but it’s not. He doesn’t mind Jiwon leaving and lying to him and everyone. Hanbin thinks it’s fine, because he knew. He always knew why Jiwon acting like that. Jiwon thinks he didn’t know, but he knew, even before Chanwoo or Mino. Hanbin knew and that’s what hurt.

He’s been walking around since his conversation with Jiwon yesterday. _He must be in the airport now_. Hanbin think. He can see it clearly on Jiwon’s eyes that leaving to U.S. is not something he wants, but something he must do. Hanbin knows everything about Jiwon, every little thinks that even Jiwon himself probably already forget. His family was already moving to Seoul, and from what he knows they will not coming back to U.S. with him. His fellow bandmates never question that, they not even question why Mino and Chanwoo are the one who come with him, but Hanbin knew.

He thinks really hard. He doesn’t want his meeting yesterday become the last. He doesn’t want it to end this way. Hanbin wants to go to L.A. and see him, tell him that he knows everything, but he respects Jiwon’s choice and he can’t just go to L.A. without the other noticing. For the last time, Hanbin hopes that he doesn’t know so he can hate Jiwon, even thought that impossible.

-Seoul, May 2018

 

 “Hyung, stop,” Hanbin doesn’t like the way his bandmate blame Jiwon and Chanwoo for leaving “You don’t know the reason.”

“He leave, Hanbin. I don’t care what reason he has in mind. Even Chanwoo is leaving, and Mino hyung too” Jinhwan looks at Hanbin like he wants to eat him up, not in a good way.

“You don’t know hyung, you don’t know.” Hanbin repeats like a mantra.

“I don’t know what Hanbin?” He sees red, everything doesn’t make sense, he knows that Mino and Chanwoo are close with Jiwon, they’re fucking each other so yeah you get the point, but they’re leaving together was not something he prepare to face. “If you know then tell me, I can’t just hate them right? That’s what you said. I have a reason now. So tell me why shouldn’t I get angry?”

“It’s not my secret to tell, hyung.” Hanbin voice is so soft for everyone to hear, but since this is bigger then what they expected, everyone hears it.

“Then let me hate them.” Jinhwan says closing his statement “Don’t blame me for that Hanbin. I don’t know, so let me be.”

He leaves the room and slam the door so hard, it might break.

The room gone quiet. Even Jinwoo who really close with Mino agree with Jinhwan. Everyone knows that Jiwon is the only one who has a problem, but nobody knows why Chanwoo and Mino come along with him and leaving something they really wants behind. No one could understand, not even Jinwoo.

“Hanbin, Jinhwan is right. We don’t know why Jiwon leave and I don’t know why Mino come with him. I’m well aware that everybody in this room doesn’t know why Chanwoo leave too. You are the only person who know, so let us be.” Jinwoo give a closing statement.

“I can’t speak for them,” Hanbin answer “I can’t force hyung and the other to agree with me and just forgive them. What I know is, when this is all over you will regret it. I know it.”

-Seoul, July 2018

 

“So what about it Jiwon? I think you should consider not to blame yourself that we come with you. We came on our personal account, beside we’re siblings, I can’t just let you be alone, not again.” Mino looks into Jiwon eyes, making a hole on Jiwon’s forehead “It’s almost two years since we leave Seoul, you should already get over it and enjoy our company. Aren’t you happy we come along?”

“Yeah, aren’t you like my ass hyung?” Chanwoo adds playfully.

“I love it Chanwoo ya,” Jiwon smiles “But I don’t want them to hate you guys for it. I can’t help it.”

“Blood is thicker than water Jiwon. I know that we’re not grown up together, we love and hate each other in the same probability, you can’t stop us for loving you the way we do. You should know that I will follow you everywhere Jiwon.” Mino says seriously.

“Over a cliff, hyung.” Chanwoo finishes “Over a cliff.”

“I love you guys too,” Jiwon answer finally “More than anything.”

“Not more than Hanbin hyung I suppose.” Chanwoo playful side give a big laughter to the room.

“Are you guys finish reconcile?” Jenny shouts from kitchen.

“We never start fighting, nonna.” Jiwon voice full of sincerity and love.

“We never will.” Mino adds.

-L.A., March 2020

 

“You what Jiwon?” _He knows?_

“You heard me.”

“Since when?” _oh God, did I heard it wrong?_

“I know it like two weeks ago, they said I have it since I was sixteen.”

“You tell Chanwoo yet?” _Who the hell is Chanwoo?_

“Yeah, I told him before coming here.”

“I can’t believe it. Does it mean Chanwoo and I have it too? Since we’re siblings.” _Yeah, they’re siblings, I refuse to believe what I know, but this is just too much._

“I don’t know, maybe. You should check it.”

“I can’t go aboard. We need to debut soon Jiwon.”

“I know that.” _Mino hyung sighs_

 “Chanwoo is coming to YG right?”

“Yeah.” _Jiwon hyung sound concerns, who is this Chanwoo guy?_

“Will he join you?”

“Yeah, I don’t know the rule yet, but he will be joining us.”

“Good to hear.”

He doesn’t know what they mean by that, he knows, actually, but he can’t believe his own ear. Mino and Jiwon and this Chanwoo are siblings? Isn’t Jiwon family in Virginia? Mino family here in Seoul? What the fuck is happening?

-Seoul, January 2014

 

“This is too much.” Jiwon says “I can’t come back to Seoul, I really can’t.”

“I know that you want to.”

“You said it yourself that I can be close with them, especially him.” Jiwon can’t believe his own ear, what the hell is happened with ‘ _you can’t be there_ ’ he said a long time ago “Now you ask me to meet him? After more than two years? Are you out of your mind?”

“I am not,” He sounds serious and even Jiwon know that he is the real deal, that’s why he moved to U.S., but this suggestion just too much. He can’t just meet Hanbin again after broke his heart years ago, “You better Jiwon. Better than I expected, so it’s okay. Aren’t you want to meet him?”

“I don’t want to leave, I stayed for four years since you told me to move back to U.S., but after hurting him I can’t just call him and say I want to meet him all of a sudden.”

“You can,” He looks at Jiwon “And you will.”

-L.A. October 2020

 

“That’s new,” Mino says looking intensely at Jiwon “He said that you can come back?”

“No,” Jiwon answer “He said that I must come back, and meet them.”

“Are you going to hyung?” Chanwoo doesn’t believe his ear, whoa what happened with _‘don’t stay there’_ and _‘leave him for your and his own good’_?

“If you’re going back to Seoul, I will come back with you guys,” Jenny says hurriedly “But I prefer they come here. It’s better here, we can run away easily. Don’t you agree?”

“Yeah, Jenny is right.” Jiwon still look confuse “I will call Hyungsuk hyung and tell him about it.”

“Here.” Jenny hands Jiwon his phone, Mino give her a look she just shrugs “Better now than latter, trust me.”

Jiwon hesitates for a second. He looks at his brothers for encouragement. He doesn’t get it, Mino and Chanwoo are too stunned.

“Don’t worry Jiwon,” Jenny. She has this weird ability to make people believe in her word and for Jiwon especially she can make him relax.

“Alright.” He sighs and look for the number.

-L.A., October 2020

 

“Are you even sure they’re coming back?” Jiyong can’t believe his ear.

“I thought, it will be long.”

-Seoul, October 2020

 

“Whoa I never seen you so excited before.”

“Yeah, I know right.”

“Will you do it right this time?”

“What do you mean?”

“Last time you’re here, you were with him.”

“Who?”

“Hanbin.”

-Seoul, November 2020

 

“I read your letter hyung.” Hanbin says to him after a long awkward pause. “Is it true?”

Jiwon really wants to answer him the yell that he loves the younger so much that he can’t breathe. He wants to hug him tight, until he couldn’t breathe. Kiss him deeply, bite him, fuck him, love him, or a simple peck is enough, but he couldn’t. it’s too late now. He’s fucking too late.

“That you love me?” Hanbin finishes with a shaking voice. He’s almost losing it. When he looks at Jiwon after a very fucking long time. He wants to run into his embrace, taste his own blood on his mouth, scream Jiwon’s name from the top of his lungs, or at least a casual hug is enough, but he didn’t, instead he shakes Jiwon’s hand like it’s the first time they meet.

“I will love you forever, Hanbin, and _you_ knew it.” Jiwon finally found his voice. “But I don't believe anything really last, if things last forever, then coffee wouldn't cool down, ice-creams will not melt, cigarettes will not end, and feeling would stay the same and I would still love you like I did years ago, but the cold hard truth is, nothing last forever. I love you more than I could ever handle, and it hurts. It hurts us both, so we need to let go. You will move on with your life and so will I, the seasons will change and the days will pass, but, although I do not hear your voice at the other end of the phone anymore, and although your smile doesn’t light up my world, I will always love you. Amongst the beautiful days, I spent with you, I love you with everything I had, and I cannot take it all back. That fragile love is yours, that gigantic love will forever be yours, and although you don’t knock on my door in the middle of the night anymore, you will be there in my mind in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep, you will be there too in my dream, as for the day, you will be everywhere, in my heart, in the corner of the street I walk pass, you will be there for every beat of my heart, and I am sure of one thing: you will forever have my love.”

_Shit. That was hard._

They both know that, this is what they need. To be free from this chain that holding them down for a very long time. They both know that after this they will break, shattered into a million pieces, and no one, no one could help to gather it together again. They both knew this is for the best, but it still hurt. It still hurts so much Hanbin couldn’t stop himself from crying. He’s a sobbing mess right now. Even though he knew this coming, even though he knows that he needs it, it hurts, more than he could imagine someone could hurt him.

When Hanbin loves someone, truly love them, he lays his heart open to them, to Jiwon. He gives him a part of himself that he gives to no one else, and he let them inside a part of him that only they can hurt, only Jiwon can hurt. He literally hand Jiwon the razor with a map of where to cut deepest and most painfully on Hanbin’s heart and soul.

They lock their eyes since the first word Hanbin said. Both of them couldn’t contain their sadness anymore. Watering eyes, Jiwon continue.

“And my god, I hope you wake up one morning to someone who loves you like you’re a sunflower and they’re desperate to keep you alive. I hope you dance with them in the small space of your kitchen floor, messy hair and tired eyes because you both been up all night watching your favorite movies again. I hope you laugh with them in a way you never did with anyone else, head tilted back and lips apart as you let out every sound your laugh can possibly make and I hope to God you don’t try to cover your mouth, and if you do, because that’s okay, I know I sometimes you do, I hope they stop you. I hope they grab your hand before it ever comes in contact with your lips and I hope they hold it to their chest as they watch you with kind loving eyes. Because fuck, everyone knows you deserve it. And I hope you find someone who’ll accept you. I hope they accept your messy hair in the early morning of the day and I hope they being good because it’s so hard to wake you up. I hope they accept the way you sometimes talk too much and can’t seem to stop when you’re nervous or how you still cry yourself to sleep on some nights. I hope they hold you and kiss you on the places where you’re most insecure at and I hope to God you let them. I hope you find someone who makes you happy, even when you feel like sometimes, life is too hard for you. I hope that when you both come across a tough situation and it comes down to a choice where you are one of them, I hope they choose you. Every goddamn time, I hope they choose you, not like me, and I hope your life simply goes on without me.”

Hanbin can’t find his own voice and he looks so messy, looks at Jiwon with pleading eyes. Just like that Jiwon open his arms and hugs Hanbin tightly. He joins him crying without voice, pat his back and whispers _‘it will be okay’ ‘you will be okay’_ over and over again.

Just like that, he hopes everything will back to normal after a while.

Or a long while.

 

-Seoul, December 2020


End file.
